The face of sickness

My mom was in the hospital this weekend. It has been a long week, necessitating two trips down to Salem to care for are she literally wasn't herself. All week long the woman who called herself my mother lied in bed, lethargic and without any energy to care for herself. As our family buzzed about her trying to get her drink the smallest sip of water, to get something into a system that was failing and rejecting everything at time I felt the deep despair that comes as we witness the twilight of one's life. Too often I have been party to scenes revolving the extinguishing of life so young, undetermined in it's course only to see it end before it began but this is altogether different and disheartening. Time has applied the Balm of Gilead to a wounded heart, the airs of change bringing me much more to experience and relish, laying aside pain enough for a lifetime. But this is my mother, someone who gave birth to me, I've admired, learned from. Death comes to all. This is a possibility and part of Heavenly Father's plan. Faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ WILL bring peace in time but that being said I do fall to the weakness of being selfish and wanting a way out, a way for my mom to persist in this temporal plane. I think we all do. That's ok because it gives me the motivation to cherish every moment of my association with her and to wait with excitement at the fullfillment of the Holy Temple, where each and every one of us can be sealed as a family for time and all eternity. My mom is better now, the doctor diagnosing her with the flu and patching her up for another go. I am grateful for every moment.

PS Take care of yourself this winter, the flu is everywhere and the ER was jam packed with well worn people fighting with this very infectious disease. Don't panic but be sure to watch yourself and wash yourself.

From the first day of ASL 103

I find it odd that the fourth row down, out of only six is where the first guy sits. Only a handful are here in a room dwarfed by a sea of women but my choice to si the furthest up necessitates the question as to the feeling of my brethren. I wish I had a private way to post, to keep record of what's inside. going into a higher class (ASL 103) I have many misgiving of what is expected of me. As a CODA I fear that my ill treatment of a language that I was given will lead to may different hardships brought on by my neglect. Through a lack of use and the circumstances I have been in I no longer have the confidence that my hand will be able to overcome the bad habits they have learned, the lethargic nature which lulls them to sleep, that the fluidity of sign will be foreign, a stranger in their eyes.

It's like that.

Well of course like any personal blog this one has fallen into the cycle of neglect, wherein the owner decides that taking a day or two from blogging wouldn't be to bad until those days turn into weeks and weeks into month. The guilt building, memories fading. It's like that. But i've taken the positive approach on this sucker considering it's value not to the outside world but rather to my family. On an immediate level it's a way for us to share a little of what's going on with our lives but I think it's real value is two fold, one; for our children and grandchildren this will provide a meaningful way for them to understand our lives at this point. There is no other generation that has been able to be so open with others and record so much as ours. It will only get better. The second point is that it acts as sort of a pensieve (nerd alert if you know what that is) culling through the choice parts of memories and emotions and being able to recall them with vivid details that time often robs from us.
So on with the show!
Couple things have happen like the mundane (I really love school, my classes, and the possibilities that this will have on our future) and the really traumatic. This last week I lost my job over at Portland Indoor and I really don't know why. I've taught kids in some kind of sport since I was seventeen. I won't lie but I am really confident in what I do and the abilities I have to control a class and carryout the lesson plan. Which is exactly what they said was missing. What puzzles me is that the previous week we talked about my progress and I felt that all week I had really done my job the way I thought they wanted it done but when I went into the office Saturday I got suckered punch. I still feel it today and I think it was a mistake, not that I am biased or anything. A couple things have been running through my head ever since including how I am going to provide as a husband (though we will be helped in the coming months my my financial aid return), bitterness at not apparently measuring up (to some kind of standard that I still don't understand), the desire to prove them wrong that I am better than what they saw, apathy at looking for another job (because I won't lie that this new open schedule leaves plenty of time for study and goofing off), fear at the current job market and somewhat narrow job experience. All in all, it's a steep learning curve but most of all i'm hopeful. I think if anything the gospel has taught me that in everything there is hope. Paths that we may think will lead to happiness and security will ultimately need to be abandoned for the way the Lord wants you to go. And with that i'm secure.
Our ward is still wonky after the redrawing of the stake boundary lines and the reorganization of the whole ward (they released everyone though each member of the ward is still carrying out their old calling until a replacement is found). Two weeks ago was the first meeting and then general conference hit leaving us in suspense as to what will happen Sunday. Right now all we technically have is a Bishopric, a Relief Society President, and a Young's Men president. Weird wild stuff.
One of the blessings of living in Portland has been the realization of how close we are to the Portland Temple. Today we went with Bill and took through some of the names from my mom's side of the family. Right now my great grandparents are ready to be sealed and I had the pleasure to take Papabuleo's name through. In time our whole family will be connected, welded link by link, into an eternal family.